"Here, in Mildew, Ohio," the gifted, but, very stupid, very stupid, Very Grave Reverend Oral Fleece, Mildew's leading spiritual adviser and the community's sole unlicensed sanitation engineer, called out the speaker of the House and implored him do everything he could to get "Bottom Line Jesus' Right Hand Man elected president of POTUSA.
The Reverend explained that, "right smack dab in the middle of 'Crying Johnnie Boehner's 8th Congressional District, where there are no JOBS, because The Weeper of the House and his Conservative, All-Right, All-White, All Righteous, Right-Wing Latter Day Ding-a-Lings, the Special Underwear Unit, sent them all overseas to China to help Poor Rich Billionaires that cain't make enough money simply by forcing their employees to work for minimum wages, slash their benefits and raid their retirement fund.
"Beware, Brothers and Sisters of the Corn Hole generation, the Bottom Line Jesus is returning on December 21, 2012, at 3:00 PM sharp, to 'Rapture' the Rich Only and cease the assets of the Fallen, so, you want to be prepared with plenty of holy water from Jimmy and Tammy Raye Bakker's cable TV Ministry to the Wealthy, Near Sighted and Legally Blind, as well as, have in your possession at all times, a copy (or, two hundred), of my Survivors Handbook, How To Make A Fortune By Torturing The Wicked, The Poor and The Legally Disposed!
Survivalists may also want copies of our complete, slightly used Collection of Soiled Playboy magazines, that we are making available to those that call us right now with their pledge of $50.00, plus your store bought teeth. So, Brethren of the the Bewildered, I implore you - pick up the phone, right now, homeboy, and send that filthy money to the Good Church of the Bottom Line Jesus that it might be cleansed, laundered by Reverend Oral Fleece or call the Church of the How Deep Is Your Pocket - How Small Is Your Brain and empty out your bank account that I might fill it up 10 fold at a latter date - after 12/21/2012."
"The bottom line," preached the Very Reverend Oral Fleece, is the only line that Jesus wants you snorting. It's all about money, honey. Acquiring it, and sending some of it to me. Yes, Brothers and Sisters of the Corn Hole generation, Jesus wants you to make money for your stockholders, no matter what the cost . . . No matter how many jobs you must send overseas, no matter how many factories you must close or how many working folks you must lay off. 'Cause it is all about the Bottom Line. Jesus wants you to be Rich by any means possible. It's in the Bible - somewhere. 'Cause Only A Rich Man gets into the pearly gates, decorated by that paragon of good taste, Dolly Cartoon, and, donated by the Right Awful Koch Brothers, (Lester and Paul).
"Yes, Brothers and Sisters of the All Mighty Dollar, I speak of the Pearly Gates of Hill-Billy Heaven," shouted Mildew's own self appointed, self-made, selfish preacher man, at a Young Republicans Bottom Line Jesus Youth Rally for Children of Slow Functioning Conservative SS Operatives Dedicated to a Roman Noodles Mitt Victory."
"As you all know, I came to JESUS, one night while face up on a barroom floor, in the THROES of one powerful drunk. Right then and thar I realized that their is gold in them thar mountains of sheep, known collectively as disgruntled White Men with small penises and big chips on their shoulders."
"If you ain't filthy rich like Brother, Roman Noodles, Mitt - you ain't gettin' into Hill Billy Heaven, 'cause'," exalted, the Very Grave, Reverend Oral Fleece, as he commenced to pummeled a fellow inmate, at the Home For The Terminally Weird into a state of unconscious bless for troubling him to share a portion of his bowl of lukewarm Roman Noodle soup.
"God loves only Rich Conservative, Right Wing, Tea Republicans and hates Homosexuals, Left Leaning Liberals,Johnnie Stewart, Tree Hugging Environmentalists, Stem Cell Researchers, climatologist, and, any one that can read above a level of a fifth grader."
The Reverend explained in one of his learned lectured that "Jesus told the great business man, Filthy Mac Nasty, a rich vulture capitalist, that ONLY a Rich might pass an eye of a needle through his Bottom Line Anus, while a poor man will have to drag a camel through hissin! You can't get into the Gated Community of Heaven if you ain't rich and that is the bottom line!"
"Amen", shouted the large crowd of investment bankers, Used Car salesmen, and Tea Republicans searching for their elusive GED certificates that dotted the landscape of this Private, Members Only, Country Club For Billionaires, that was hosting the "Change America Back To The Great Days of 1950" rally, held exclusively for the obsolescence rich folks now suffering terribly from paying a tax rate above 14 percent.
The good/bad Reverend, who got his license from a box of cereal, exhorted the attendees, with his clever tag-line, crafted by Rupert Murdoch, hisself:
"You've Got To Be Filthy - I mean filthy Rich!", Only the rich get through the gate. Can I get an, 'Amen'? It's in the Bible - somewhere", he said, then, rifled through his cell mate's pockets in search of a donation for the church.
"Even the poor," instructed the Reverend Oral Flee, "the hopeless, the huddled masses, the incarcerated - those masses of unwashed asses - can give something to the cause of the filthy rich. Jesus wants everyone that's White to be rich - filthy rich - and, that's why His special worldly envoys are also Filthy Rich. The Bottom Line Jesus make these folks your betters for a reason. Consider their numbers and follow them:
- Ayn Rand;
- Paul (Only Numbers Count) Ryan;
- Newt (Three Times Divorced-Twice Married - Serial Adulterer) Gingrich;
- Sara (part time Governor - full time Reality Star) Palin;
- Donald 'The Chump' Trump, (the World Worst Comb-Over);
- Rush (4 times married, Family Values Advocate) Limp-bags;
- Sean 'The Choir Boy (I was only molested once by my priest) - Hannity;
- Bill, 'Oh Easily Riled Up, O'Reiley;
- Anorexic White Sister of the Long Tooth & Dust for a Snatch Tribe, Ann Couture;
- Brother Carl, the only White Man Who Never Once in His Limp Wristed Life Has Ever Had A Tan - Rove;
- Harold 'The God Father' Cain (Able's good brother),
- and, 'yo mamma'
"It's all in the Good Book, my new, Revised, Evangelical-Tea Republican Mandatory, Big Block Lettered, New/Old Testament, now, on sale at a Chic Fil'a, near you, where gays are never served in compliance with Bottom Line Jesus' commandments. Amen, Brother Ben - pass me some White Rice!", spake the good brother.
The good, slightly moldy Reverend recently took time off from his duties as head of Mildew's Sanitation Department - which doesn't exist to explain, "And, yo, my senile sycophants, if you act today, by sending me a $1000 dollar Pray Gift - I'll show you how, you, too, like Jesus's Main Man, Mitt, the Witt, can be filthy rich and earn $60,013.17 per day, simply by raiding old folks homes, tossing out the inefficient, frail residents and converting the buildings to high-in condos, even if you don't own them. Learn the Secrets to Becoming Filthy Rich and Become A Bottom Line Jesus, yo'self'!"
"Or", added, Reverend Oral Fleece, Straight From The Street and Not From The Police, "buy my new book, "Bottom Line, Jesus" - with an unintelligible forward written by MITT ROMNEY, herself".
"This book", explained Brothers Koch, "served as our Business Plan and is responsible for our unprecedented success . . . this book and the generous government subsidies that we received and which we violently oppose for others!"
THIS IS WINTHROP MERRIMENT, "THE TREY", AND I DISAPPROVED OF THIS MESSAGE:
Why does every dirt poor, toothless, Hill Billy driving an old, battered pick up truck have a Romney-Ryan bumper sticker plastered on the bumper next to their requisite Confederate Flag decal and N.R.A. plaque? Are they sending us a message - that Neanderthals didn't go extinct, they just became Conservative Republicans and blended in with the other slant heads?