A nationwide, Amber Alert has been issued by the National Republican Committee: "12 Villages Are Missing Their Idiots. Have you seen them?" Their shrill, plaintive plead is broadcast nightly by Fox TV Network Snooze, who admitted under oath, that all 12 Village Idiots had at various time been temporary residents at Fox, but, they don't have a clue, either! It's a mysterious said Karl Rove, a damn, sad mystery. Where is the "Ronnie" when we need him? Resting, resting on the hill - in cowboy heaven and we are stuck with these damn idiots.
Here is a partial list of known, "missing idiots." Feel free to add your favorite one in the "comments section" following this journalistic masterpiece.
1. Newt Gingrich - Fat, bloated, fast talking, know it all kind of mean spirited, Southern cracker is missing or run out of town! Known to be dangerous, "unstable," and, nationally for running his big mouth before he thinks, according to leading Republican, Peter King (R), New York. "He's not presidential material", King added, "or even human" shouted someone from the audience. Married Three Times, Divorced Twice, Newton was last seen wearing lips stick at a "Let's Make Black Kids Clean Our School Toilets Rally", then, pursued a 30's something young thing into a seedy hotel known for large lobbyists and lunch time "quickies".
Note: Newt is suffering from an illusion that he can be President of the United States of America even though he was censured by his fellow Republicans and driven out of the party. His friends say that he is "unstable, shoots from the lip and talks incessantly". Notify authorities if you find him. Do not try to apprehend him yourself; he is quite delusional and may hurt himself, the Republican Party and the country if allowed to roam about unmolested.
2. Michel Bach-man - Alarmed and disordered, Michele is considered by authorities to be a low functioning threat to national sercurity and and even lower functioning graduate of Oral Roberts University (all there any other kind). She is extremely misinformed and like Newt, her mouth is not connect to her brain. Once elected she promises to get "rid of every branch of government" except the one that prints money and sends large quantity to her husband, Sycophant, who run a government funded "Gay conversion counseling service" for young, cute teen boys.
Michele is known to have raised five (5) biological children and 24 foster care kids on only the $645,000 she received from Welfare over the course of 18 years, or, $26,875 per year. The welfare funds were needed to feed an additional mouth at herlarge family table. Michele, like many Christians, fostered kids not for the additional revenue that it brought in, but, because she loves children. Approach with caution: She is extremely confused!
3. Rich Perry - A former governor of Texas and is the only person on the planet that thinks that George W. Bush was a great president. Perry is know to love money and has made the bulk of his fortune after he was elected to the office of Governor. He may be hiding out with NRA SURVIVALISTS WAITING OUT FOR THE END OF TIMES to occur. Like the legendary folk hero, Grendel, in Beowulf, "Hairy" Perry has a terrible temper and will slime anyone at the slightly provocation. Proceed with caution when approaching him since he is extremely homophobics even in high heels.
4. Ron Paul - Escaped from his nursing home wearing only a red, white and blue flag he purloined from the Library of Congress and his color coordinated, Adult "Depends". Do Not Come With In 40 yards of him - He is boring and will talk your "ears off." Political pundits claim that he has the ability to cloud minds with political fog-talk and will say "Whatever one wants to hear." Ron needs his medication and should be returned to the Rosa Parks Nursing and Shock Therapy Home! Not a serious threat, but, an oddity just the same.
5.Mitt Romney: Caution: Whatever ones does, do not try to wipe off that "fake" smile from his face. Mormons believe that humans are off-springs of space aliens and reportedly, beneath that always smiling exterior is the head of a lizard, complete with yellow eyes, a flame spouting snout and a three foot, forked tongue. However, this has not been confirmed by Tea Republicans For Tooth, so, we are taking their word for it. Tea Republicans hate Mitt for helping the poor, downtrodden and huddled masses in his home state of Massachusettes and our out to get him. Proceed Carefully, Mitt may wet his pant at the slightest provocation and has a fetish for pinching women booties just to get a rise out of them, and, because he is quite juvenile. His chances of getting into the White House are better as a tourist than contender. However, Mitt, like most politicans over estimates his value to the Mormon church, God and country.
6.Sarah Pal-in: Thinks that it is "not too late for her to jump into the presidential fisticuffs". She says that if she get a green like from the Koch Brothers and Fox TV Network News, (the folks that actually run the Republican party), she'll gets off her back and do what ever is necessary to get elected, even if it means screwing everyone to get there. She has a track record of screwing them once she arrives. Use Caution When Approaching Suspect: She may be "Locked and Quite Loaded". Authorities believe that she has an uncontrollable libido and that she is capable of using it with out remorse on unsuspecting, naive, church going, Born Again, "Family Values", mostly male morons.
7. Herman Cain: Known to be sexually disarmingly. Last seen sexually harassing a women half his age at a Pizza parlor. Wants to be President, but, has never been elected to any public office in his life because he is extremely unlikeable and makes lousy pizza. Loves to cheat on his wife while citing biblical verses. White by choice, black by design; considered to be one of the most elegant Cons Artist in the whole of the political business (except for Dick Morris, Fox TV News's Toe Sucker). Cain was voted "Most Likely To Succeed" by the The Walking Dead at Fox TV Network Snooze.
8. Donald Trump: Owner of "the worlds worst comb over", aka, "The Donald" is a reality TV star that believes that he should be anointed the position of President, since, he deserves it. He graduated from Wharton Business School and "that alone qualify me", he said on his recent campaign trail through the legal houses of ill-repute in Nevada. Trump is a self made man whose Father only gave him a lousy $50,000,000 and a very successful business to get started. He did the rest himself: he stole, conned, cheated and bully the rest of his fortune out of gullible investors. Be prepared with numerous jars of mousse and lots of Super sized cans of cheap hair spray when circling this idiot. His village does not want him back!
9. Governor John Huntsman: Unknown even to his family, wants to be your president because he believes that Obama is under the religious influences of the "moon and New York City," and, may be a closet Muslim. Huntsman admits that he is a closet "homo", (Mormon for gay) but, acknowledges that he is a full-steam-ahead sometimes heterosexual, except when traveling over seas. John is waiting for the Angel, "Moro-nee, who visited the church founder, the legendary sexual conquest religious leader, Joseph Smith. If observed gives him the "high five sign" and stay your distance. Huntsman is ready to set the world on fire - literally. If spotted do not offer him a "light"!
10. Governor Christie, stuck in an elevator, "between the moon and New York City" is desperately trying to lose 300 pounds, and, if he does, he will then be able to free himself from the airplane freight elevator that is holding up his campaign at the moment. If you accidentally stumble upon him - Do Not Feed Him, no matter how much he pleads. He is a pistol packing, God Loving, Declaration of Independence national prefabricator and will shoot anyone that is not.
11. Rick Sanatorium - Known as the "little boy scout" for his naive positions, and, due to the hundreds of political flag-buttons that he wears on the lapels of his $5000.00 "working man" suits. Ricky never wears them on his more expensive, evening gowns. Underneath the calm exterior, Rich is a raving lunatic. Back off: He may have rabies, foams at the mouth, and, makes sense only when talking backwards. Avoid an encounter, at all cost, even if you have to give him a quarter and nod your head when he tells you that he "is going to be your next president."
12. Insert Your Favorite "Missing Village Idiot" in the comment section following this prize winning article, so, that some enterprizing SOB might put there face on a milk carton.
This is Win-trope Meredithe, The III, and, I do remember writing some of this masterpiece, but, not all of it. My identify has been purloined by a Rhesus monkey that escaped after Tea Republicans turned over the money changers table in the Republican National Party Temple. Reality as we knew it has changed forever and, I for one, and sick of it.